I stood there looking at him. He wasn’t aware I was there. The sounds of the ICU, the sight of a ventilator made my heart sink as memories came back. In a sorry moment I knew how he felt. The doctors were struggling to keep that monitor ticking. They tried but without much hope. He was calm but tired. He had blessed us with his presence for 80 plus years and now it was time to go to a better place. The family had gathered.. everyone assuring each other with theories of peaceful death and no suffering. As I paced, my eyes glanced my 2 nephews and 1 niece who waited there. They were waiting to say goodbye to their grandfather – their loving thathu. One was old enough to understand and reason, other was too young to comprehend. But the 7 year old gripped my heart as I saw him stand by the window in silence. His mother stood by him, perhaps not sure what were the right words. I was told he was in silence through the day. He is our bundle of sweet energy who has been my best guest too. He dotes with relationships and that was his day of grief. His attachment to his grandpa was visible.. tears silently trickled down his cheeks while he controlled to wipe them off.
The man who left us was an uncle, husband to an aunt, father to his sons, and a doting grandfather to 3 grandkids. Its not his accomplishments that brought those tears, it’s the human being that he is that gathered everyone there with so much respect. A fine gentleman, few words to say, but never to politicize. He was affectionate and had no room to judge anyone. Exemplary health record, an example for many in our generation. But his certificate of character is best endorsed by these grandkids, who are the best judges of good people. They had not just lost a grandfather, but a best friend too. My heart sank, as I watched my nephew. He had to be spoken to, explained and assured, as I believe that silence is often ignored as adults swim in their own emotions of loss.
My parenting technique is not perfect, but I have just one theory. My girls and I speak our hearts out on anything. My belief is that, they can be a part of birth and death to experience all emotions attached to it. That will keep them real and make them better rounded people. Kids these days understand more than a lot of adults so discounting their emotions is pure ignorance. On matters of death I wish upon a star to guide them always..the way they understand that my father, brother have all become stars to me and watch me every night. They understand me, and every matter brings more questions, but they learn as they go. Elders opine I give too much information, but this clarity has given me a relationship of equals and for life.
Talking to my daughters about relationships and loss of people they have not been entirely attached to, was mighty easy. But today, I was silenced with the confusion of talking to a heartbroken grandson, who needed some answer for where his ‘thathu’ was going and why. As I held him tight, and explained how his thathu was becoming a star and how he had to write to God to look after him. I cited my losses, through my life and gave my reasons to it. I spoke of memories that I remember and how I channel them. He listened intently and nodded with every question and then I suddenly felt a loud outburst as he broke down in a true childlike cry. Watching him, it was hard to hold that tear back, but I was relieved he did not hold on any longer. We spoke a while and I realized as I struggled to say anything convincing, I had already said what mattered to him. After a while, he went home – hopefully to make that card that will go with his thathu for God.
I write this today, to remind my friends who are fabulous parents and grand parents. Our biggest accomplishments will be in the eyes of our kids and grand kids. So make it count. While losses are inevitable, speak to them like there is no tomorrow. They have confusion, sadness, anger all at once. They never know how to deal with that. They might play and spike in naughtiness the next minute but don’t imagine their heart was not touched. They are impressionable, so make the right impression, cause that’s the honest one.
So here's to my cousins who will continue to give the kids the best memories and keep the thathu happiness always alive. Here's to my aunt, who will feel the loss the most, but will find ways to understand it and smile in comfort. With all my love, strength and wishes of optimism.
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